Today's Journey

While I was doing an "easy 10" mile run today - one that I extended by an extra 1.5 or so, just to stretch it out - I had a thought.

What if this is it? This run is the run. I am always training for something. I started running 7 years ago to get ready for a big hike, which then relayed into training for the LA Marathon, then training for a half marathon, then... Even when I go for a run to clear my head, it is typically on a day that I planned to run, at a distance that fits with the long training run I have planned for the weekend. Every long run, every "easy 10", is approached as training for some upcoming race. Even during a race, I think about how the distance will help me prepare for the next race.

I am always trying to remind myself to Be Present and Enjoy the Journey, yet fail to do so during my runs, the most self-aware, reflective, meditative journeys that I take.

So, then, I got nervous. I started to think more generally. What if my life is the life and my relationships are as good as they get and my lifestyle is what I want and my time is now? What if I have already arrived??

This is an almost heretical thought, as I have spent my whole life trying to get somewhere. Trying to get out of elementary school, then out of middle school, then out of high school, then out of college and grad school and a dead-end job and medical school. Now I'm trying to get out of residency and move on to my real job. (It is a journey, still, of 3 or 4 years, before I get to that point.)

Even with my family, I am always getting somewhere. I was eager to get past pregnancy, get past the sleepless nights (still working on that one), get past the nursing, get past the terrible two's (still working on that one, too). Right now, I am just trying to get past Sunday without actually pulling a Homer and throttling one of them. Speaking of the terrible two's. And five's.

For all the years that I have spent looking ahead to bigger and better things, I have not spent any time learning how to endure a perfect moment. How to recognize when I have arrived. How to feel when things are what they should be.

Maybe the journey is the destination. Maybe today's "easy 10" was the race of my life, and the effort I put out defines me. Maybe my kids are at a perfect age. My relationships are what they should be. My job is my job, not just a hoop I jump through to get there. This is my life.

Today.